| (no subject) |
[Jul. 17th, 2008|11:15 am] |
www.katyjunemussey.blogspot.com
new. improved. upgraded.
enjoy, love. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 10th, 2008|12:35 am] |
The hardest things to say
are the words that mean the most
So I'll bite my tongue til it bleeds ...
... and I doubt you'll even know. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 25th, 2008|10:28 pm] |
it's the simple things that are so hard to grasp
can't find myself in all the days that passed
but i can feel it when it shines
nevermind
i'm falling in love with you
i'm trying to make sense of things...
never my strong point.
and trying not to think
but preparing myself all at the same time.
majorly fucking confusing, trust me.
there is just something different this time.
I should be freaking out
and making myself crazy
and pulling usual Kate-defensive-bullshit
but i'm not.
Not anymore at least.
I'm just...
living
feeling
expanding
breathing.
I love it.
It is what it is.
And i can't ask for anything more.
i don't want to. |
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| Nightmare. |
[Jun. 17th, 2008|11:43 am] |
This morning, I shot straight up in bed around 6am from having a nightmare. It was odd, because the nightmare came in parts this time.... none of which really have any form of relation. Or maybe they do? I'm not really sure.
The first part of the nightmare started out in a parking lot outside of a regular grocery store. I was sitting in the bed of an unknown truck with my "dad". Now, the man i was with wasn't literally my real dad, but it was just understood that he was. I don't remember what he looked like.. he was kind of faceless... mainly because i was sitting on his lap with my head resting on his chest so i couldn't see anything but his legs. Another strange part, was that i wasn't the present me. I mean, i was mentally the present day Kate.. but i was physically younger... maybe 11 or 12. We were sitting out in his truck bed... and he started hugging me and holding me close - and then kissing me... and not in a fatherly fashion. Then another man walked up and asked to take our picture. He said something like " Is that your daughter? You don't see that very often.. not that there is anything wrong with it.. ". I could tell the man was nervous watching my "dad" embrace me the way he was and it began to make me aware of the fact it was wrong. Finally, i pulled away from my "dad" and went into the store by myself. I started looking around at random things on the shelves.. none of which would regularly be at a grocery store....
then my dream cut to a back room with an opening in the back - not a doorway, but a dark spacious opening. I'm not sure it was a back room in the store... i don't think it was. The walls were white and i was sitting at a table with another girl. She had long, straight blonde hair... not bleach blonde.. more muted and dirty. She was younger too, probably 11 or 12 like i was. She had her eyes closed and was chanting something. On the table were 2 large candles, which was the only thing lighting the dark room, some sand like substances, a black book... or maybe a stack of them? and weird symbols drawn on the table with the sand. I think the sand was black and white. I just sat there silently while she spoken softly in some language i couldn't understand. I remember knowing that i couldn't move or ask what she was doing... i simply had to sit there and let whatever she was doing take place. After a while, i started to realize that what she saying was... completely sadistic and angry and violent. She was saying the most scary and dreadful things and i knew it wasn't right... but i couldn't move in fear she would hurt me. Then, i look over into the dark opening and a middle-aged woman was standing there watching us. She kind of looked like a regular cleaning lady who just happened to stumble upon 2 girls in a dark room chanting to the devil. ( Man, that sounds weird) The other girl didn't notice her... but i looked straight at the woman and she gave me the most concerned look... and without saying anything, told me to stop her....
I thought about yelling "NO!" or running away, but the first thing i could think of to do... was blow out the two candles. So i did... quickly... and the whole room went dark... except the girl who was glowing in red. As soon as i blew out the candles... her eyes opened in a demonic fashion... and this i remember especially... they were pale white. Everything else about her was normal but her eyes. As her eyes opened, she let out an excruciatingly loud and high pitched scream that sounded more like an alarm than an actual shriek. It wasn't human, thats for sure. I sat there frozen in my chair... although i remember feeling satisfied about stopping her activity... and then, she looked directly at me.. and in one, swift motion came at me with her razor sharp teeth and slashed my throat. I felt the blood begin draining out.. and then laid my head down on the table... and died.
2 seconds later... my dream cut back to the beginning of sitting there with girl. The table was set up the same... she was sitting there the same... everything in the same place as before. It was like... everything had started over.. and i already knew one outcome. I looked over at the girl... and suddenly her bloodcurdling, white eyes shot directly at me... and she smiled... like she too knew the cycle started all over again... and i would die if i tried to stop her.
Thats when i sat straight up in bed and started crying. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 9th, 2008|11:53 pm] |
it's amazing when
for a moment in time
your heart goes dead
and all the blood goes rushing out your eyes
and you think you'll never be able to breathe again.
then suddenly
when you least expect it
someone comes along
and it begins to slowly pump once more
and before you know it
the blood starts to circulate
and you can actually get out of bed in the morning
without the intense pressure in your chest
ripping up your insides.
you remember how to smile
and how to laugh
and eventually
how to love.
and you look back on the people you left behind
the ones that left you empty
the ones that strangled your breathing patterns
the ones that exposed your open ribs and everything that resides within them
and it just seems...
like another lifetime away.
their face isn't how you remembered it
and the person you were with them
isn't the person you are at all today.
and the only thing you can possibly think of
isn't how much they hurt you
but how thankful you are
that their mistakes
lead you to the person you're with today
and the person they made you today
because you're so goddamn lucky
to be with exactly who you were intended to.
so thank you,
from my bottom of my full and grateful heart. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 9th, 2008|09:21 am] |
Junior year done.
I'm a Senior in college.
Next year I'm done and then i start my "grown-up" life.
fuck me. what the hell am i doing with my life?
guess i'll take the summer to actually think about that...
i'll get back to you. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 5th, 2008|09:24 am] |
its been a dreamy few weeks.
Peter is incredible.
I can't seem to get enough of him.
Although his sugar addiction and nonchalant attitude about graduating do get me frustrated at times.
Which he laughs at me for.
I just know how much raw talent he has and it angers me when he doesn't take it seriously.
I hate pushing people, but i can't help it.
He's been really sick the last few days
which kills me
but he's on medicine and such so hopefully that will kick in.
He's not sleeping though.
He wakes up 5 or 6 times during the night
and just paces.
I think he's stressed out
and very sick
so i can understand why he's not able to sleep.
He did get a nice nap for a few hours around 6am though
i woke up to check on him and he was fast asleep, thankfully.
I hope thats enough to get him through the day.
School will be over soon and then we'll head down to the Amish country
and buy cheese
and he'll take a gazillion pictures
(which i need to stop being so shy about)
and it'll be a nice vacation for us both.
i have to get ready for class now. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 11th, 2008|02:28 pm] |
"Even more, I had never meant to love him. One thing I truly knew - knew it in the pit of my stomach, in the center of my bones, knew it from the crown of my head to the soles of my feet, knew it deep in my empty chest - was how love gave someone the power to break you. I'd been broken beyond repair."
being blind sided by someone can be a good thing.
and a very scary thing.
and a very exciting thing.
it is what it is. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 28th, 2008|02:01 am] |
my current thought on men/ relationships:
i'm done with you for a long time. i decided this tonight. i hate the person it turns me into. i hate feeling inferior or getting the ridiculous notions that i have to change some aspect about myself for you to find me alluring. i like who i am JUST THE WAY I AM. I'm very opinionated. I like to argue. I like to question you about everything and often play devil's advocate just to see how you react. i'm not turned on or challenged by you being an asshole or purposefully ignoring me because you think i like the chase... here's the thing, I DON'T. If you can't be upfront and real with me, you're wasting your time. Games are for athletes and neither of us make a living from that... so stop. I'm not going to follow you around like a puppy because that is ridiculous and there are PLENTY of other things i could be doing than pretending i give 2 shits about your hobbies and daily life.
if you're looking for a GIRL, look elsewhere.
if you're looking for a WOMAN, then please stop and chat.
if you're looking for any type of romantic involvement with me at this point and time, you can forget it. and you're an idiot. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 21st, 2008|12:34 am] |
although ( although) we're apart
you're part
of my heart
and tonight
you belong
to
me.
when exactly does this get easier? when will i wake up and feel normal again? i don't know. Seems like never though. Lately, i find myself wanting things. Things i'm not sure i can have. I work for them. I study them. I pray for them. But it just feels like all the effort is never enough. I thought this quarter was going to be so much different than how it's turned out. I'm already worn out and have way too much to do. I feel so down. About a number of things. I know what i want... but i don't know if it's even possible. I wish someone would just give me a chance to prove myself... in more than one aspect. I can only do so much before i start to just give up.
ugh, i didn't mean to sound so depressing. i wish someone would just show up at my door step and change my life. right now. i'm ready. why isn't anyone else? |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 13th, 2008|02:50 am] |
i feel horrendous.
my lungs need air. clean air. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 1st, 2008|03:26 pm] |
63 degrees out.
soooo nice.
i came home from class relatively early
climbed out my window
and sat on a tiny portion of my rooftop that you can only get through from my room
and played my guitar
and just enjoyed the weather.
and then it started raining... which i'm not all that upset about
because i wanted to just sit on my rooftop for the longest time
and i got to.
i think im going to make it a daily event.
maybe nightly too.
yay. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 29th, 2008|11:20 am] |
i hate waking up to my parents fighting.
and then going downstairs cause i have to take my medicine
and having them drag me into it like it's my fucking problem.
and the worse part is
i so desperately just want to have a normal, loving relationship with someone
but i'm terrified it'll end up the way theirs did
and i'll be completely fucked.
even now, i hate fighting with people
and when i do i either shut down completely and sit in silence
or lose my temper and say things i don't mean because i'm scared they'll hurt me even more
or both.
mostly both, one right after the other.
i guess, saying sorry isn't enough sometimes.
it should be. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 21st, 2008|11:26 pm] |
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"What don't I understand, Cara? Please, help me out. What is it? Is it frustrating that you can't be with this person? That there's something keeping you apart? That there's something about this person that you can connect with? And whenever you're near this person, you don't know what to say, and you say everything that's in your mind and in your heart, and you know that if you could just be together, that this person would help you become the best possible version of yourself? " |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 16th, 2008|11:43 pm] |
i am angry.
i am beyond hurt.
i am confused by your "logic".
i am disappointed in your inability to forgive.
i am stupid for apologizing for something i shouldn't have to apologize for.
i am frustrated at your immaturity.
i am relieved i can finally start blocking you out.
i am pathetic for attempting to fix something that was broken to begin with.
i am trying to pretend i'm completely fine with our situation.
i am upset that you're so stubborn and can't let anything go.
i am hopeful that you'll understand and actually LISTEN to me one day.
i am sorry for wasting my time.
i am baffled by our miscommunication.
i am going to make myself believe this whole thing happened for a good reason
and that whenever you decide to come around,
accept the fact i am not entirely to blame
and man up to being just as in wrong, if not more, than i was
then maybe
maybe
we can start this all over again.
until then...
i hope you can sleep better knowing i'm not sleeping at all. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 13th, 2008|01:29 am] |
1. If your being extremely quiet whats it mean?
it means i'm so pissed off that i know better than to speak to you right now.
2. If someone hit you, what would you do?
Hit them back.... harder.
3. Do you still have feelings for your ex?
I'll always have feelings for him. He was my first boyfriend. But i know we're much better off now.
4. Have you ever kissed someone and never saw them again?
Nope. I don't think i could do that.
5. Are you drifting away from someone you were close with?
Unfortunately.
6. Last time you laughed?
I was dying laughing back stage tonight with JP and Adam... we were listening to the scene going on and they were saying the most insanely random and hilarious things ever. hahah it was so much fun.
7. Has anyone told you they missed you lately?
Just Steve. I think. I've talked to him a gazillion times in the past few days hahahah i'm sure he's annoyed by me calling him every hour for some stupid ordeal.
8. Are you wearing any clothes that don't belong to you?
Yes actually. hahaha
9. Would you ever date your best friend (of the opposite sex)?
Oh.. Steve and I hook-up all the time. HAHAHAHHAHHAHA
10. Have you ever received sexy pics from someone?
Ew.no. GROSS!
11. Do you regret anything from your past?
Ummm. Not entirely, no.
12. If you could seek revenge on someone would you?
Probably not. I'm not that kinda person. They'll get what they deserve eventually.
13. How do you react when people cry around you?
I immediately go into mother mode. i usually let them talk and just listen.. and hug them and try to comfort them. sometimes it works... sometimes it doesn't.
14. Do you bump into someones arm if you want to hold their hand?
Ummm. Not on purpose.
15. Last argument?
HA. Tonight during my scene for the Playwrights Festival. It went really well actually.
16. Last Kiss?
maybe 2 weeks ago? who's counting?
17. Would you kiss them again?
I honestly don't know at this point. I want to, believe me... but i don't know if i should.
18. Are you jealous of anyone?
Honestly no. Not right now.
19. Would you ever strip for money?
hahahahaha i dunno. Not seriously. Maybe as a bet.
20. Do you have a crush?
Yeah. and it's definitely the right word to use for the circumstance.
21. Do you know how to belly dance?
Not professionally. But yeah, i can.
23. What are you listening to?
Sarah Bareilles.
24. Last beverage?
Diet Green Tea.
25. Last nap?
hahah never.
26. Do you own a planner?
i do. but i never use it. HA!
27. Favorite month?
OCTOBER! yay fall!
28. Would your parents be mad if you got someone pregnant?
I could never "get" someone pregnant. so no.
29. Would your parents be mad if you were in a inter-racial relationship?
I doubt it. My grandpa, on the otherhand... WOULD FLIP OUT!
30. Would they be mad if you were gay/lesbian?
Honestly, yes.
31. What are you doing Saturday?
Teaching from 1-3
Meeting from 3-4
Dinner
Playwrights Festival @6 til 9 or 10?
Then hopefully going OUT to celebrate the end of Winter Quarter!
32. Sweetest thing anyone has ever done for you?
Wow. thats hard. haha is it a bad sign if i cant think of any?
33. Friend most like you?
Steve. I swear.. we are related through some kind of weird family tree.
34. Kiss on the first date?
Depends on the date. and the person. not usually though. if it happens, i'm not opposed.
35. Are you a slut/man whore?
oh yes, huge slut.. biggest ever. Who would honestly answer that?
36. Fav color?
Red.
37. Are you racist?
Yep. Huge racist. hahah seriously.. who would answer that yes too?
38. Excited for anything?
More anxious than excited.
39. Ever had sex with two different people in ONE day?
I've never had sex. period.
40. Would you ever steal someones boyfriend or girlfriend?
Doubt it.
42. Last time you were confused?
Right now. I wish some people would stop being BRATS and make up their minds!
44. If you could cuddle with anyone right now who would you pick?
I really don't want to answer that right now.
45. Have you ever done something behind your best friend's back and never told them but know you should?
Nope. I don't think i could do that.
47. Rent a movie or go to movies?
Both. One right after the other.
48. Been to Mexico?
NO! DARNNN!
49. Been to Flordia?
Few times. Dig the lemons.
50. Happy with life?
For the most part, yes. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 4th, 2008|11:11 pm] |
Adia, I do believe I failed you.
Adia, I know I let you down.
Don’t you know I tried so hard...
To
love
you
in
my
way.
It’s easy let it go...
Adia, I’m empty since you left me.
Trying to find a way to carry on.
I search myself and everyone....
To see where we went wrong
’cause there’s no one left to finger
There’s no one here to blame
There’s no one left to talk to, honey
And there ain’t no one
to buy our innocence.
’Cause we are born innocent
Believe me Adia, we are still innocent
It’s easy, we all falter
Does it matter?
Adia, I thought that we could make it.
But I know I can’t change the way you feel.
I leave you with your misery.
A friend who won’t betray...
I pull you from your tower
I'll
take
away
your
pain.
And show you all the beauty you possess
If you’d only let yourself believe that
We are born innocent
Believe me Adia, we are still innocent
It’s easy, we all falter
...but does it matter? |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 3rd, 2008|11:00 pm] |
so much to say
and no where to fucking start.
I have no idea what to do.
i want to give up and let go.
so badly.
and
i want to fight and hope to God, you change your mind.
even more.
i want both.
and have neither.
Everything was so easy.
too easy.
and now it's completely fucked up
and unfixable.
I need some distraction
oh beautiful release
memory seeps from my veins
let me be empty
and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 25th, 2008|06:53 pm] |
I want to go swimming in a warm pool.
I want to go sledding down a HUGE hill with NO trees.
I want to dress up in every piece of clothing i own and someone else in theirs and then beat the hell out of each other.
I want to paint on a gigantic canvas.
I want to watch an entire tv series in one sitting.
I want to lay out on blankets in the grass and eat popsicles.
I want to go fishing and not catch anything.
I want to sit out on my roof all night and just look at the sky.
I want to buy coloring books and crayons and make everyone i know a picture.
I want to take acoustics and sit down by the Hocking River and play.
I want to have a bonfire with marshmellos and hot dogs.
I want to have a full on food fight.
I want to take polaroids all day - capturing every little moment.
I want to laugh until my sides hurt.
I want to smile until my cheeks ache.
I want to stay out all night until i'm so exhausted i just pass out.
and i want you to be there the entire time with me.
thats a lot to ask for. how perfectly typical. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 21st, 2008|07:31 pm] |
my legs are aching.
i need to go to the doctors.
i haven't had any bloodwork done in 3 months.
if my mother knew that, she'd kill me.
maybe worse.
i feel weird today.
i was angry earlier
like explosive angry.
and when i'm angry, 2 things happen:
1. I turn on the loudest, heaviest music i can find
2. i clean like a mad woman. i did the dishes, even though none of them were mine... and i scrubbed the hell out of the bathroom. Then, i cleaned my entire room and organized my desk drawers.
That all took a good 2.5 hours
so now i'm a bit tired.
but seriously.. i had 3 people come up to me today
and ask if i was okay.
i felt fine.
nothing was wrong!
but for some reason i looked like something was bugging me
and maybe, underneath it all, there was.
i still have yet to figure out what however.
i hate blaming it on my medicine
but i honestly think that's what the problem is
it makes me moody
and weird
and anxious
and cranky.
i can't help it.
i'm sick and sometimes i forget that.
so all in all
i need to go to the doctors like i should have 3 months ago.
dang! |
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